Posted in Brave, cancer, Daughters, family, health, Strong, writers

Brave, Strong, Smart, Believe

This quote really touched me. I have been feeling anything but brave, strong or smart. In fact, I was wallowing in my fears. Regardless of all the platitudes and words of encouragement everyone has given me, I was being consumed by fear.

Well, I made it through my first chemotherapy treatment on Tuesday. And yes, I was a blubbering mess through the labs, the consult with the nurse practitioner, the insertion of the needle into the port, and even up until the first med was pumped through. But eventually, things calmed down (most likely in part by the Benadryl), but I realized I was not in pain. Nothing terrible was happening to me. I just sat there and let the meds do their thing for five hours. Bottom line is, I made it.

I went in and out of some pretty weird dreams, but they were not scary, just odd. And when I got home I was super tired. And so glad to have my oldest daughter Candy, here from Ohio to look after me so Tai could work this week.

Today is now Thursday. My symptoms have been extremely mind. A tiny bit of nausea that is quickly remedied with a pill on my tongue. I’ve had some slight stomach cramping and a little tingling feelings in parts of my body, but very mild. Nothing I can’t live with. Much better than I expected. Today we went out shopping, and although I was tired when I got home, it was good to get out. So far, no hair loss (one of the things I am dreading most). Supposedly that could start as soon as next week.

What I really want to convey here is I made it through the first treatment. I AM now braver and stronger and smarter than I was on Monday. Now I know what to expect when I walk through that door to the treatment room. I doubt there will be any more tears, at least not over that.

I am still fearful of the side effects that will happen with more treatments. But I don’t think I am terrified anymore, and that is a huge step forward. In fact, I don’t think I have cried since yesterday. And that was very brief and private. I am making it through.

If you are going through something like this, whether it is cancer or something completely different and not feeling brave, strong, or smart, hold on. It will come. I can’t promise you when, but together, we will make it through to the other side.

Feel free to share your thoughts and what you are going through too. Let’s do this together.

Posted in cancer, family, writers

Wonder Woman – my ass

Am I handing this well? God no. What happened to “I am Woman, I am strong?”

I am weak, a basket case, crying every single day. Now when someone says to me, “You are strong, you’ll get through this,” I want to throw something at their head.

I do not FEEL strong. I am crumbling inside. I remember once when I said those words to one of my daughters. “You are strong, honey, you’ll get through this.” And her answer was just like mine, “I don’t feel strong.” What she was really saying was, I NEED YOU to be strong for me. Now I get it. Sorry, honey.

Thank God for husbands like mine. He is gold. As calming as Dr. Sam is, Tai is my rock. His arms don’t stop the tears, in fact, they seem to open the floodgates even more. But they are the only place I want to be. Last night I woke him up at 3 a.m. because I was having a panic attack. My mind was all over the place. I didn’t want to do this. (the chemo) . What was I thinking agreeing to put 5 hours worth of poison in my body? It reminded me of old-time doctoring with leaches or bleeding. He held me and comforted me until I was calmer. I can’t promise him I won’t put him through it again.

I am also blessed with a loving, supportive family. My children are amazing. My brothers and sister-in-laws are fabulous. We are a big family. And I love every one of them.

So, now we are almost at the beginning of the end of my journey. The Chemo. First treatment in 3 days. I hope I have the strength to walk through the door. I had this “thing” inserted under my skin called a port. It is supposed to be where all my blood draws and chemo treatment will happen.

I’ll admit. I am afraid. I am afraid of all it. The chemo, the radiation, losing my hair (I know that is frivolous, but I still feel it), of being sick, of not being able to do the things I love. To die. Yes, it could happen. There are no guarantees.

For the first time in my life, I find myself saying “I just can’t” to just about everything. No, I can’t go to the office. No, I can’t meet my friends for lunch. No, I can’t work on your book. No, I can’t write a single legible sentence in my own novel. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I needed to stop that.

I have learned one thing. It is okay to lean on others. It is okay NOT to be strong. It is okay to cry. My yogi-daughter told me I needed a positive mantra, to repeat over and over, especially when I am in my quiet zone first thing in the morning. She helped me to recall I already HAVE a mantra. I just did not know it was called that. It is a Bible verse I have used when things got tough before (and they have) since 1972.

It is Romans 8:28 Everything works together for good for those that love and serve the Lord.” EVERYTHING – even cancer.

So every morning, I repeat that, do a deep inhale, hold it for 5 seconds an do a slow exhale. And I repeat that a minimum of five times. I am calmer.

I think I am ready to face the future. Do you have a mantra? What gets you through the hard times. Share them with us if you can.

Posted in writers

“C” is for cancer

Yes, I have the “C” word. Coming to grips with it is challenging. When my sister-in-law suggested that I write a book about my experiences, I blew it off. Many books have been written about people’s journey’s through cancer. They surely didn’t need another one. So she suggested a journal. “Maybe it would help others,” she said. I believe she meant maybe it would help me. But she is also a cancer survivor. Perhaps she was asking me to be a voice she could not be. I am a writer. This is what I do. So why not a blog?

As I venture on this trip I don’t want to take, I will try to share with you what I am going through. It will be less about what is happening physically and more about what is happening emotionally. This is beyond hard. Harder than anything I ever remember going through before. And I have been through many rough times in my seventy-three years. If you choose to follow along, perhaps you are also facing the big “C,” or you have a friend or family member that is. Perhaps you will follow because it is something different from cancer. Maybe it is another physical ailment, or maybe a mental one. At any rate, if you find it helpful or relatable, I thank you for choosing to take this journey with me, walking with me, but even if you cannot walk it for me.

Before I get into the “C” chapter of my life, I must start with a big, heartfelt “A.” The A is for APOLOGY. Those of you who follow my blog will know that this blog is supposed to be about writing and promoting other authors. I have a long list of authors that I promised to post their interviews and the latest book they want to let the world know about. I have failed miserably with this ever since “C” has reared his ugly head. So I apologize to my author friends. You are not going to see your interview or your books promoted here for a long time. This is the only thing I can do right now. My mind is all consumed with “C.” Hopefully, at the end of this journey, I will be back to myself and be able to fulfill my promise to you and continue with the author interviews and book promotions. I sincerely wish you all the success in the world with your books. Author to author, I know that journey is another one altogether.

I will start my next post by catching you up on how I first found out about “C” and how I emotionally handled it. It will require a little medical information, but I hope not to bog it down with too much of that. Cancer is the antagonist in this story, and I don’t want to give him too much voice. This is my battle and I pray I come out the victor.

Posted in angels, family, Florida, grandmothers, Happy Hanukkah, Happy New Year, love, Merry Christmas, mythology

A Holiday Story- The Marco Angel

island of angels - Copy (2)

Happy Holidays to everyone. Instead of an author interview, for my holiday gift to you, here is a short story I wrote a few years ago about the Marco Angels, hundreds of them, all over our island. They are a wonderful sight.

The Tradewinds

 

Island of Angels, a short story  December 2012

by  Joanne Simon Tailele

The young girl hunched down in the backseat of the car. Her nose almost touched the screen of the I-pad she balanced on her lap. Bright pink ear buds blocked out the other sounds in the car. As the car approached the crest of the Judge Jolley Bridge, her mother hollered to her above the music pounding in her ears. “Liza, look, an osprey.”

Liza lifted her head just as the bird spread its wings and took flight above the sparkling blue water. She watched as it flapped twice, and then glided on the wind. It headed across the island into the setting amber sun where the high-rises in the distance appeared to dance on the water’s edge. “Nice,” she said somewhat sarcastically and buried her red-capped head back in her lap.

This was not Liza’s idea for a Christmas vacation. Who ever heard of Christmas without snow, or friends or blazing fireplaces? If they had to go to Florida, couldn’t it be Disney World? No, Mom and Dad said it had to be Marco Island. Liza knew what this was really about. It was about saying good-bye. They thought she didn’t know, but she wasn’t a baby. She had looked it up on Google. Lymphoma. The chemo had only made it worse. She threw up all the time and her long blonde hair fell out in clumps until she just shaved it all off and stuck a cap on her head.

Gram’s house was cool and it had a big pool right off the back door inside a cage. Liza could push back the huge sliding doors and walk straight into the water, if she only had the strength. But even with a big artificial tree, and lots of lights on the house, things still did not feel like Christmas.

On the second night, Gram announced that she was taking Liza out to see the town. Big deal, Liza thought. This town sucks. She’d rather be back in New York with her friends.

As they rode down Collier Blvd, Liza noticed the angels. Beautiful silhouettes of praying angels lined the street in front of building after building of condominiums. They turned down Barfield, and then San Marco, then Bald Eagle. More angels graced the lawns of pretty homes and businesses. “What is this Gram? What’s with the angels?” Liza heart began to soften and a lump formed in her throat.

Her grandmother smiled at her. “This is the Island of Angels, don’t you know that?” She pulled the car up the steep drive to the Marriott Hotel and handed the keys to the valet. “Come, my dear. I want to show you something.”

Liza and her grandmother entered the lobby of the hotel. The most beautiful tree Liza had ever seen filled the room, surrounded by dozens of red poinsettias.  They descended the stairs and exited the double doors into the courtyard. A wedding reception was taking place and Liza smiled at the bride and groom surrounded by their friends and families seated at white linen tables in the soft moonlight. Passed the party, passed the pool, passed the restaurant on the beach, Liza walked arm-in-arm with her grandmother toward the shoreline. Those who observed them would not have known who was supporting whom. They kicked their shoes off as they reached the soft sand. The salt air tickled Liza’s nose. When the only sound they heard was the surf lapping on the beach in its own rhythmic beat, Gram spread a blanket and they sat down, shoulder to shoulder. The breeze from the Gulf was cool and Gram lifted the edge of the blanket to wrap them together in a cocoon.

Thousands of stars lit the sky and the moon’s reflection pirouetted over the water. Liza leaned her head on to her grandmother’s shoulder. “This is beautiful. Thank you for bringing me here. Tell me, Gram, why do they call this the Island of Angels?”

“Because it is.” Her grandmother stated rather matter-of-factly.  “Hundreds of years ago, the Calusa Indians knew this, and that is why they settled here. Angels look over this island and keep it safe. When big hurricanes like Wilma and Charlie, or Katrina blow toward this island, the angels all get together and flap their wings at the same time and blow the worst of the storms away.”

Liza snuggled a little closer. “Do you think angels are people that have died?”

Her grandmother thought for a moment. “No, I believe they were created to always be angels, that they are immortal, with no beginning and no end. They just are. But there is something else they do, Liza. They also blow away fear.”

Liza lifted her head from her grandmother’s shoulder and looked into her eyes in the moonlight. “How do they do that, Gram?”

“If you are afraid, just sit very still and quiet. Listen for them and they will come. When you hear the flapping of their wings, you will know that they are lifting your fear and taking it away.”

Christmas morning, Liza was too weak to open her gifts, but a special gift hung by a silver chain on the tree; a Marco Angel bowing with a candle in hand. Her grandmother hooked the clasp of the chain around her granddaughter’s neck. Liza looked up at her and pressed the angel to her chest. “I can hear them, Gram. I hear their wings. I am not afraid.”

 

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Happy New Year to all of you.

2011-12-28 18.24.39

Tai and Joanne

Posted in 2001, 9-11, country, family, love, remember, thanks

Where were you on Sept. 11, 2001?

 

911

 

Today is a day or remembrance. A day to remember the people who lost their lives to senseless violence.  Where were you when the towers were hit, the pentagon, the crash in the field in Shanksville, PA?   I was at home, waiting for my husband to get home so we could take our huge 100 lb Labrador to the vet. When he rushed through the door and said, “turn on the TV”, I could not believe what I saw. I called to my father, “Dad, we are under attack!” What? It sounded like some horror movie, it didn’t even look real.

The second hit
The second hit

We were at the vet’s by the time the Pentagon was hit and we watched from their tiny TV in the waiting room as we saw the towers collapse.

The Pentagon is hit.
The Pentagon is hit.

Then there was Shanksville.

Flight 93, crashed in Shanksville, PA
Flight 93, crashed in Shanksville, PA

I had a hard time moving passed that day. For two years I could not get on a plane. Just seeing one overhead made me duck, as if that would do any good. I am not ashamed that I had to get some help.  The terrorists had done what they set out to do – to terrify.  The innocent killings were shameful.  It makes me angry that they could cause such turmoil in   my personal life. I did not even know anyone that was killed.  But my rose-colored glasses came off that day.   Never again will I feel that we are invulnerable.  I had never known fear a single day in my life until September 11, 2001.  Now I live with it every day.

the innocent
the innocent and the brave

I know a lot of my readers are from other countries. I would like to know what it was like for you? Was it big news? Did it rattle you?  I don’t believe in being political on my site so I will not share my feelings about what is going on in the middle east today (every day – every month – every year).  I only know the innocent killing is not what God would want, no  matter what name you call Him (or Her) or what divine power you believe in.

I love my country so much. It is not perfect. It is made up of people – and people will never be perfect. But on this day, I am going to give thanks for my country, my military, my first responders, my every-day workers that keep our country moving. And I will remember – the fallen, the injured, the forgotten.

plane approaching the World Trade Center
plane approaching the World Trade Center

I think today must be the same feeling my parents got on Pearl Harbor Day. I heard it, but I never understood it – until September 11th.

Share you story. Where you were, What were your thoughts? Have they changed in twelve years?

9-11  NEVER FORGET

911 pentagon with flag

Posted in writers

Q is for Query

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Research is devoured to make his story accurate.

First drafts pour through his fingertips as the plot thickens and the characters take on lives of their own.

The first, second, and third rewrites still hold his excitement as he tightens the story and polishes it to perfection.

Finally, with rounds of applause (most likely by one), he types “The End” and raises a glass in celebration.

Then he begins to quiver and shake in his boots. It is time for the query letter.

Nothing strikes more fear into an author than the sight of the cursor mocking the blank screen in front of him as he ponders how to condense one, two, five, maybe ten years of sweat and tears into a one-page plea to accept his work. It appears to be an insurmountable task.

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So let’s break it apart and see if we can climb Mt. Everest.

Salutation: Always address your query to a specific agent, one you have researched. Be choosy and only send to agents that are currently accepting your genre. This requires checking their website to find out what they are looking for. You cannot assume that since they published one book in your genre that they are still looking for that now. Follow their guidelines to the letter. If they want a query only, do not send a chapter of your book. If they say query and synopsis, be prepared for that too. Pay very close attention to how they want things submitted, via email or postal? For email, most agents do not accept attachments and prefer everything in the body of the email. Trying to be different or “stand out” will only get you in the slush pile.

Paragraph One: The Introduction – Especially with new authors, a little butter can go a long way. A sentence of praise for one of the novels the agent recently published lets him know you have done your homework and are not sending out generic queries to every agent on the planet. Keep it brief. One to two sentences at the most.

Paragraph Two: – the Pitch – This is when you really begin to sweat. Start with a sentence that gives the title of your book, the genre and the approximate word count. Next is G.M.C. Goal, Motivation, Conflict. In twenty five words or less, include those three points to your story, basically your premise. Who needs to accomplish what in order to have blank or this terrible thing will happen. You do not have to give the resolution in the query. Save that for the synopsis (your second heart attack) This paragraph should be two to four sentences at the most. Resist the urge to expound on how you know this will be the next best seller and they would be insane not to take it.

Paragraph Three: – the Bio – If you are previously published, this is easy. Simply tell what you published, when and with whom. If you won any awards that are more noteworthy than your local writers group, say so. It won’t help to say your mother read it and thought it was great. Mom may be just a little prejudice. If you have never published before, use other points; college degrees, or specialty workshops you attended. Keep this brief; you are only trying to point out that you are actively working toward a career in writing.  Do you have a large following on your website or blog? Mention the number of followers. Having a built in platform is always a plus. If you are published, this may be your longest paragraph. If not, this will probably be your shortest.

Paragraph Four: Thank the agent for their time. Include your complete contact information below your signature. That includes phone, address and email. Do not expect them to open any links to your website or blogs but it okay to include them at the bottom.

For good examples and help with query letters, there are many great resources. I like http://www.AgentQuery.com and http://queryshark.blogspot.com

Have you struggled or been successful in your queries? If you have had success with a query letter, share it. We would all love to read it.