Posted in cancer, family, writers

Wonder Woman – my ass

Am I handing this well? God no. What happened to “I am Woman, I am strong?”

I am weak, a basket case, crying every single day. Now when someone says to me, “You are strong, you’ll get through this,” I want to throw something at their head.

I do not FEEL strong. I am crumbling inside. I remember once when I said those words to one of my daughters. “You are strong, honey, you’ll get through this.” And her answer was just like mine, “I don’t feel strong.” What she was really saying was, I NEED YOU to be strong for me. Now I get it. Sorry, honey.

Thank God for husbands like mine. He is gold. As calming as Dr. Sam is, Tai is my rock. His arms don’t stop the tears, in fact, they seem to open the floodgates even more. But they are the only place I want to be. Last night I woke him up at 3 a.m. because I was having a panic attack. My mind was all over the place. I didn’t want to do this. (the chemo) . What was I thinking agreeing to put 5 hours worth of poison in my body? It reminded me of old-time doctoring with leaches or bleeding. He held me and comforted me until I was calmer. I can’t promise him I won’t put him through it again.

I am also blessed with a loving, supportive family. My children are amazing. My brothers and sister-in-laws are fabulous. We are a big family. And I love every one of them.

So, now we are almost at the beginning of the end of my journey. The Chemo. First treatment in 3 days. I hope I have the strength to walk through the door. I had this “thing” inserted under my skin called a port. It is supposed to be where all my blood draws and chemo treatment will happen.

I’ll admit. I am afraid. I am afraid of all it. The chemo, the radiation, losing my hair (I know that is frivolous, but I still feel it), of being sick, of not being able to do the things I love. To die. Yes, it could happen. There are no guarantees.

For the first time in my life, I find myself saying “I just can’t” to just about everything. No, I can’t go to the office. No, I can’t meet my friends for lunch. No, I can’t work on your book. No, I can’t write a single legible sentence in my own novel. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I needed to stop that.

I have learned one thing. It is okay to lean on others. It is okay NOT to be strong. It is okay to cry. My yogi-daughter told me I needed a positive mantra, to repeat over and over, especially when I am in my quiet zone first thing in the morning. She helped me to recall I already HAVE a mantra. I just did not know it was called that. It is a Bible verse I have used when things got tough before (and they have) since 1972.

It is Romans 8:28 Everything works together for good for those that love and serve the Lord.” EVERYTHING – even cancer.

So every morning, I repeat that, do a deep inhale, hold it for 5 seconds an do a slow exhale. And I repeat that a minimum of five times. I am calmer.

I think I am ready to face the future. Do you have a mantra? What gets you through the hard times. Share them with us if you can.

Posted in angels, family, Florida, grandmothers, Happy Hanukkah, Happy New Year, love, Merry Christmas, mythology

A Holiday Story- The Marco Angel

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Happy Holidays to everyone. Instead of an author interview, for my holiday gift to you, here is a short story I wrote a few years ago about the Marco Angels, hundreds of them, all over our island. They are a wonderful sight.

The Tradewinds

 

Island of Angels, a short story  December 2012

by  Joanne Simon Tailele

The young girl hunched down in the backseat of the car. Her nose almost touched the screen of the I-pad she balanced on her lap. Bright pink ear buds blocked out the other sounds in the car. As the car approached the crest of the Judge Jolley Bridge, her mother hollered to her above the music pounding in her ears. “Liza, look, an osprey.”

Liza lifted her head just as the bird spread its wings and took flight above the sparkling blue water. She watched as it flapped twice, and then glided on the wind. It headed across the island into the setting amber sun where the high-rises in the distance appeared to dance on the water’s edge. “Nice,” she said somewhat sarcastically and buried her red-capped head back in her lap.

This was not Liza’s idea for a Christmas vacation. Who ever heard of Christmas without snow, or friends or blazing fireplaces? If they had to go to Florida, couldn’t it be Disney World? No, Mom and Dad said it had to be Marco Island. Liza knew what this was really about. It was about saying good-bye. They thought she didn’t know, but she wasn’t a baby. She had looked it up on Google. Lymphoma. The chemo had only made it worse. She threw up all the time and her long blonde hair fell out in clumps until she just shaved it all off and stuck a cap on her head.

Gram’s house was cool and it had a big pool right off the back door inside a cage. Liza could push back the huge sliding doors and walk straight into the water, if she only had the strength. But even with a big artificial tree, and lots of lights on the house, things still did not feel like Christmas.

On the second night, Gram announced that she was taking Liza out to see the town. Big deal, Liza thought. This town sucks. She’d rather be back in New York with her friends.

As they rode down Collier Blvd, Liza noticed the angels. Beautiful silhouettes of praying angels lined the street in front of building after building of condominiums. They turned down Barfield, and then San Marco, then Bald Eagle. More angels graced the lawns of pretty homes and businesses. “What is this Gram? What’s with the angels?” Liza heart began to soften and a lump formed in her throat.

Her grandmother smiled at her. “This is the Island of Angels, don’t you know that?” She pulled the car up the steep drive to the Marriott Hotel and handed the keys to the valet. “Come, my dear. I want to show you something.”

Liza and her grandmother entered the lobby of the hotel. The most beautiful tree Liza had ever seen filled the room, surrounded by dozens of red poinsettias.  They descended the stairs and exited the double doors into the courtyard. A wedding reception was taking place and Liza smiled at the bride and groom surrounded by their friends and families seated at white linen tables in the soft moonlight. Passed the party, passed the pool, passed the restaurant on the beach, Liza walked arm-in-arm with her grandmother toward the shoreline. Those who observed them would not have known who was supporting whom. They kicked their shoes off as they reached the soft sand. The salt air tickled Liza’s nose. When the only sound they heard was the surf lapping on the beach in its own rhythmic beat, Gram spread a blanket and they sat down, shoulder to shoulder. The breeze from the Gulf was cool and Gram lifted the edge of the blanket to wrap them together in a cocoon.

Thousands of stars lit the sky and the moon’s reflection pirouetted over the water. Liza leaned her head on to her grandmother’s shoulder. “This is beautiful. Thank you for bringing me here. Tell me, Gram, why do they call this the Island of Angels?”

“Because it is.” Her grandmother stated rather matter-of-factly.  “Hundreds of years ago, the Calusa Indians knew this, and that is why they settled here. Angels look over this island and keep it safe. When big hurricanes like Wilma and Charlie, or Katrina blow toward this island, the angels all get together and flap their wings at the same time and blow the worst of the storms away.”

Liza snuggled a little closer. “Do you think angels are people that have died?”

Her grandmother thought for a moment. “No, I believe they were created to always be angels, that they are immortal, with no beginning and no end. They just are. But there is something else they do, Liza. They also blow away fear.”

Liza lifted her head from her grandmother’s shoulder and looked into her eyes in the moonlight. “How do they do that, Gram?”

“If you are afraid, just sit very still and quiet. Listen for them and they will come. When you hear the flapping of their wings, you will know that they are lifting your fear and taking it away.”

Christmas morning, Liza was too weak to open her gifts, but a special gift hung by a silver chain on the tree; a Marco Angel bowing with a candle in hand. Her grandmother hooked the clasp of the chain around her granddaughter’s neck. Liza looked up at her and pressed the angel to her chest. “I can hear them, Gram. I hear their wings. I am not afraid.”

 

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Happy New Year to all of you.

2011-12-28 18.24.39

Tai and Joanne

Posted in writers

J is for Joanne

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That’s right. J is for me, Joanne Simon Tailele.

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I hope that does not sound too egotistical. That is not my intent. It is my affirmation that I AM. I am a Mother of four. I am a Grandmother of nine. I am a Wife. I am a Realtor. And I am an Author. It may not be my first novel, or my second . . . perhaps not even my third . . . but I WILL someday make the best seller list. I must first believe in myself before I can expect others to do the same. No longer do I write only to bury my stories in the bottom of a cedar chest. I set my characters free from that fireproof metal box. My plots will twist and turn until they are wrapped around your heart. They will speak of injustices and prejudices, of triumphs and redemption. Make a note, print this out, because someday you are going to see Joanne Simon Tailele front and center on the Best Seller List and you’ll say; “I remember when she put that egotistical post on her Writing Under Fire blog during the 2013  A-Z Challenge, and damn if she didn’t do it.Image

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My first stories, hand written in blue collared pencil at about eleven years old.

 

My debut novel, ACCIDENT, is available in e-book form.

ImageWhen alcoholic soccer-mom, Susan Jennings is convicted of vehicular homicide, she is destined to spend the next ten years in a prison cell the size of her walk-in closet. With one child dead and another left an amputee, she must fight to win her sobriety and her daughter’s forgiveness in the dangerous prison world. She will go to any length to save Deanna from the snares of the charismatic minister who is the devil hiding behind a clergyman’s collar; even if that means divulging her life-long secret. Pick it up on Amazon for Kindle, Barnes and Noble for Nook, Apple or Kobo, E-pub or Smashwords. You can find links to those sites on my website, www.joannetailele.com. This is my plug. Buy my book, write a review. Let me know what you think. Thank You.

Do you believe in yourself?