This quote really touched me. I have been feeling anything but brave, strong or smart. In fact, I was wallowing in my fears. Regardless of all the platitudes and words of encouragement everyone has given me, I was being consumed by fear.
Well, I made it through my first chemotherapy treatment on Tuesday. And yes, I was a blubbering mess through the labs, the consult with the nurse practitioner, the insertion of the needle into the port, and even up until the first med was pumped through. But eventually, things calmed down (most likely in part by the Benadryl), but I realized I was not in pain. Nothing terrible was happening to me. I just sat there and let the meds do their thing for five hours. Bottom line is, I made it.
I went in and out of some pretty weird dreams, but they were not scary, just odd. And when I got home I was super tired. And so glad to have my oldest daughter Candy, here from Ohio to look after me so Tai could work this week.
Today is now Thursday. My symptoms have been extremely mind. A tiny bit of nausea that is quickly remedied with a pill on my tongue. I’ve had some slight stomach cramping and a little tingling feelings in parts of my body, but very mild. Nothing I can’t live with. Much better than I expected. Today we went out shopping, and although I was tired when I got home, it was good to get out. So far, no hair loss (one of the things I am dreading most). Supposedly that could start as soon as next week.
What I really want to convey here is I made it through the first treatment. I AM now braver and stronger and smarter than I was on Monday. Now I know what to expect when I walk through that door to the treatment room. I doubt there will be any more tears, at least not over that.
I am still fearful of the side effects that will happen with more treatments. But I don’t think I am terrified anymore, and that is a huge step forward. In fact, I don’t think I have cried since yesterday. And that was very brief and private. I am making it through.
If you are going through something like this, whether it is cancer or something completely different and not feeling brave, strong, or smart, hold on. It will come. I can’t promise you when, but together, we will make it through to the other side.
Feel free to share your thoughts and what you are going through too. Let’s do this together.
Writing Under Fire 
I am so sorry you’re going through this, Joanne. It sounds like you’re gaining confidence and making progress in handling the issues. The biopsy on the tumor in my throat is back and it is cancer. I have an appointment with an oncologist pending. I can say in truth that I am not upset or fearful. There have been no tears or panic attacks. This does NOT mean I am braver and stronger than you and others facing similar circumstances. Quite the contrary. Within myself, I am the weakest and least brave of all. My peace, comfort and assurance comes from without myself.
It is grounded in the truth that I am God’s child by his grace and mercy through faith in the death, burial and resurrection
of Jesus as my sacrifice for my sin. Just Jesus. Not Jesus plus. Not Jesus plus baptism, church membership, being a good person, following a set of rules or quoting some sort of mantra. Just Jesus. He is all-sufficient and able. He doesn’t need my help to prop him up.
As God’s child, he has made certain promises to me. He has not promised that there will not be rough spots, pain, difficulties and obstacles, but he has promised that, he will be with me every step of the way and that ultimately, all things work together for my good. I have always known I would die. He promises that to be absent from my body is to be present with him. I believe God and it gives me, not only peace, comfort and assurance, but great joy and confidence.
I realize your journey is different than mine. My prayer is that you will find peace and comfort.
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Thank you for sharing Leta. I am sorry you are going through this too.
As for being brave, I tell people all the time, I am not afraid of being dead. I believe in Jesus’ saving grace as well. It is the dying or the pain from the treatments that freak me out. And I am calmer now, but I can’t guarantee how long that will last. Next treatment is October 4. I will keep you in my prayers.
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God will be with you through the treatments. He promised. God bless you. You’re in my prayers.
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